This is a very hard post to write. This is unlike the rest of the #MusicMonday posts I’ll be putting out. This is very personal. I openly wept at work watching these videos for the first time. If you haven’t listened to #PostTraumatic yet, please do so before reading this. I highly recommend watching the videos on his site before you just listen to the EP through Spotify or Google Play Music or whatever way you get your music.
I feel that I have no place writing about grief. I’ve never lost anyone very close to me in a permanent fashion that has greatly impacted my life. I can point to a few people who have died around me that shook me. Surprised me. Made me think a little. Rattled me momentarily, but I turned the emotional cheek and walked away most times.
I have spent way too much of my life focusing on my own death, my demise. I was often too depressed for me to give a shit about anyone else who passed in my vicinity. I have also been wary of close connections with people. I have always felt let down in life and became very jaded on top of my severe depression.
I never even met the dude. So I feel that my words are meaningless. I, like much or all of Linkin Park’s fan base, feel as if he was our older brother, our mentor, our friend.
I had a traumatic incident in 2016, and for all of the years that I had contemplated suicide, 2016 was the worst. I had roommates who looked after me and made sure it wasn’t something I could accomplish easily. I had family who was there for me and did their best to keep me in good spirits.
I’m eternally grateful. To my FAM. To Chester. To Mike and the rest of Linkin Park. Pheonix (Dave), Brad, Joe, and Rob. To all of the music that has kept me going throughout the years.
I’ve been happy for a long consecutive stretch.
This is new for me.
I listened to Linkin Park since the near beginning of my depression. I could blame many things for why I am depressed. Nature. Nurture. God. The Matrix. A wise man at one of my past jobs, who worked for a different company, told me that it didn’t matter what excuse I came up with for why I didn’t do something. I was the only one that could step out of my excuses and be the man I needed to be. To achieve the goals that I wanted in my life. At the time it was hard to listen. I was stuck. I also didn’t have many goals.
But I’m done blaming LIFE for my problems.
The last time I was seriously sad, was the day I heard Chester passed. There have been some times of sadness since then, but nothing like that day. It was compounded by my uncle got into a bike accident across the country on the very same day. I was heartbroken. I didn’t know how I could keep going on. The thought of my uncle in a hospital, not knowing if he’d be okay. Not knowing how to process Chester’s Death.
I have cried many times since then. I’ve actually cried a lot in the last 6 months. The amazing thing is that usually, it is tears of joy. I honestly don’t know how to express how happy I am. I’ve been crying way more than most men in our society would openly admit to. It is the only way I can cope with the happiness I have, even with all the rough shit going on in my life still. My happiness comes from the fact that I just don’t give a shit anymore.
I cried, fairly openly at work on Thursday when Mike’s EP #PostTraumatic came out. It was hard not to. After I’d heard it through a few times, I put on Logic’s 1-800-273-8255 and was rearranging furniture at work. Luckily no one was watching me because I was quietly sobbing. I missed Chester. I understood, however, that Mike Shinoda missed him by a factor of 100 times what I felt.
This music is raw, it is open, it is human suffering put into music. It is meant to celebrate life, but I’ve seen many people on Twitter express that this has brought them to tears. I’ve seen a few people say they thought they were doing good, but Mike’s EP put them into a crying ball of a human.
I relate very much to Place to Start, it reminds me of my life. I’ve been bouncing between the west coast of North America, for my whole life. I still don’t have a HOME but I finally feel at home. All I’ve wanted is a new place to start. This is that feeling.
It is short, it is sweet. But that’s all a place to start is. Its homey, it’s comforting, and its all anyone in this world is looking for. We’re alone in this world, and we’re always looking to cure that loneliness. This song is about recovering from tragedy and starting to slowly find your inner peace.
Over Again holds many meanings for me. Again never having lost someone very close to me to death; other than Chester, the chorus mostly reminds me of friends I have had lost along the way. This song is Mike doing his thing. Rapping. It is emotional and raw. Of all 3 songs, it is the hardest for me to listen to. It is intensely personal for Mike, if I had to wager, it might have been the hardest of the 3 for him to make.
Watching as I fall is the ‘fight’ song of the EP. It is about failure, and that it is all life is about. We ALL fail. Especially the greats. Life is a struggle. It always will be.
The beat is great. It’s the type of music Linkin Park is good at making, mashing rock and rap, making their own sound. This song has fantastic imagery. In the video, Mike feature shots of drugs and alcohol. It’s easy to get anxious in grief. But if we control the fall, if we are cognizant of our fall from grace, what can we do with it. I know, as much as I’ve been stricken with grief my whole life, I’m just as excited to see what Mike and the guys do after their tragedy, as I am to see how I rebuild my self.
Mike’s personality shines through his videos. He is such a happy person, he’s about community and caring. It is the type of personality I aim for people to see in me.
I’ve been listening to the #PostTraumatic EP since it came out. I’m glad to put it down because it saddens me.
Spend some time with it. For Chester.
Grief is not a linear process. You don’t go through the stages like a video game and beat it. You can bounce back and forth.
#FuckDepression #MakeChesterProud #320ChangesDirection #MondayMotivation